I am in desperate need of someone to proof read my scholarship essay. Here it is. ?
Sunday 11 January 2009I am in desperate need of someone to proof read my scholarship essay. Here it is.
The year was 2004 and it was my High School’s graduation ceremony. I sat with my classmates in the school’s auditorium unaware of what the future may hold for me. Until that time, I never thought about the future. All I knew was that the struggles my family went through to come to this country and find work made me more confident and ready too accomplish my goals of exploring the world and its various cultures.
Fortunately, I have great parents who have taken me to different countries to explore an array of various cultures. In Paris I was inspired by the Eiffel Tower; in Spain we stayed in Madrid and I witnessed a bull fight. My uncle owns a wine vineyard in Italy and I was given the opportunity to taste the grapes that grew near his home. Rome was historically mystifying; stepping into the coliseum where many important events took place captivated me. I saw how the hard work of my parents enabled me to experience the world.
My parents struggled to save for me and my three siblings so we could be provided with things that were never available to them. My mother was an indentured servant practically since she was born. Her family could not afford to raise her and felt she would live a better life being a servant to a wealthier family. She was not taught to read or write, and her sole purpose was to cook and clean. My father’s hard work and my mother’s drive to learn despite her suffering truly inspires me
My major is Political Science and I enjoy it simply because I know that I can use it to make a difference and enable me to help those in need. Together with the support of my parents and my experience at Lehman College it has made me see that knowledge is the key to success. Studying abroad in Athens Greece would help me deepen my academic and personal understanding of classical greek culture. Greece is the birth place of democracy; it has a compelling history of government. Being that I am a political science major given the opportunity to study there and learn more about its past would be a most rewarding experience .After this study abroad winter session I intend on pursuing a career in immigration law. I have gained some prior knowledge in politics through my internship with the New York State Attorney Generals Office as a mediator working with people from many cultures.
It would be an honor to receive the STOCS Scholarship. I am a hard working individual who has so much potential and I strive for success in whatever I do. Attending college has strained my family’s finances, but luckily they recognize the importance of my education. This trip to Greece would be a learning voyage for me and will allow me to utilize my education and interpersonal skills. Thank you for your consideration.
Hi
You desribe your mother’s circumstances very well but say nothing concerning your Father.
Unfortunately too many people are cynical and may see this as an attempt to hide something. Maybe a few words about his background would help.As a reader I was interested in how your mother’s circumstances changed and was left wondering. Again, a little more information might help.
On a pedantic note I do not think much of historical interest happened in the Colisseum (except a lot of killing) so you might leave that bit out!
Good luck and only choose to be a lawyer if you have a thick skin.
All the best
Video
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Trip to florence